Many affected others describe experiences of domestic and relationship abuse due to their involvement with a person who gambled.
Financial, emotional and relationship stressors from gambling were a key contributor to domestic abuse.
Some report being in an abusive relationship with a partner before they developed gambling difficulties, but the abuse escalated as the gambling difficulties increased.
Partners and children report control over family finances and being subject to economic abuse as gambling losses escalated.
Gambling is heavily stigmatised but so is domestic abuse. People described feeling trapped in relationships and not knowing who to turn to. People were often afraid of what would happen if they would tell other people what they were experiencing.
Children were also unable to escape from the behaviour of abusive parents. They can experience the pervasive loss of the parent that results in an unreliable supply of material needs, loss of trust and security, and the impact on other relationships.
Emotional, verbal and physical abuse
Sometimes, affected others are blamed or accused of contributing to or worsening another person’s gambling difficulties. Some describe being accused of “snooping” when findings debt-related letters. They may also be blamed by other family members for not being able to control the person’s gambling. This blame often manifested in anger towards the affected other. Blame, anger and arguments could be used to continue gambling.
It was when I started to find things. One of the very rare times that he actually told me something was wrong. It was when I started to find letters from loan companies, not understanding what that was. I questioned him about it, and he lied to me and say, even with like the letters in front of me showing him saying, what’s this loan, what’s it, and he was like, “Oh, nothing, nothing.” It’s like, but there’s a letter here. He would just get defensive that it was, “Why are you looking at my stuff? Why are you snooping?”… Even when I did challenge him with the evidence in front of me, he would turn it around, so I’d be the bad person, because I was snooping, or I was the issue. It took a while for him to admit to what was actually going on.
Over the years, if there’s things going on with his friends, he would open up and talk to me about it and vice versa, but he was lying to me now. He was hiding things from me, and then he was trying to turn it around to blame me for it. It’d be my fault that he’s gambled or I shouldn’t be snooping or whatever.
He was arrested on common assault, I think it was. They knew about his gambling because I’d talked a lot about his gambling in the police interviews because I kept saying that I wanted him to get help but all the time I tried to get him help, he threw it back in my face. Because he just said it was my fault. I was the reason. He wouldn’t take any help from me.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, because he hid it quite well, he started gambling again…For me, it was like I was living with this new person, this is out of control. He started to get more down, more angry, making it like it’s all your fault. It’s your fault that I’m doing this, because so arguments would start and then as a result of the argument, it was like, “Well, I’m sick of arguing with you, so now I’m going to go out.” That was the excuse to get out, basically.
Affected others would end up questioning and doubting themselves.
I analysed everything, was this my fault? Should I have said or done something earlier? Was I to blame? Was I responsible for this problem?
Children caught
Both those who had been affected as children and those concerned for the impact on their children describe how children were often casualties of gambling difficulties and caught up in the abuse.
The child of a person who gambled describe being told they are ‘bad luck’ and ‘jinxed things’ by a parent who was gambling.
I remember times that my dad would tell me to go away and say I was bad luck and that I’d jinxed things. I think sometimes he wouldn’t want me to be there too he didn’t want me to be exposed to it. I’m actually I’m not sure… I don’t think that was the reason really because he would smoke in front of me, do drugs in front of me, gamble in front of me. I don’t think any of that mattered because the addiction presided over everything.
Partners described how children could be used as a form of manipulation.
He used [our daughter] like he used me. Because he couldn’t get to me, he was bouncing all his mind business off of her, trying to get her to pass it on, so he’ll be telling her, “I love her, I really love her, I can’t live without way, she’s got to let me back home, I promise I won’t do anything,” to, “If you don’t tell your mum to let me back in that house, I’ll make sure she gets something– she will never go back in that house again,” you know, threats and things.
Feeling unsafe and afraid
One affected other, who was a child of someone who gambled, describes how they felt safer when their parent was not at home. They feared the other person. This led to them running away from home and trying to escape the situation they were stuck in.
Often when he wasn’t at home, I felt safe. I felt happier that I was actually glad to see my dad leave to go to the betting shops often or for him to not be in eyesight because, just someone to scream at you, to hit you. It was awful, and I think it’s also the fear of that happening at all times. So I did my best to just sort of survive through childhood. And I remember thinking that I just want to get out of this, and there was a few times that I ran away from home. And I think my mum was very scared for me because she knew that I would eventually have to come and face my dad.
A person described the neglect they experienced when their parent was gambling. They describe how these problems were hidden from anyone outside of family and friends, and their school was unaware of the harm they were experiencing. They did not want to tell anyone out of fear of the reaction they would get from the family member who was gambling, and nobody at school asked if they were experiencing any problems at home.
I remember in reception that I used to be often the last kid to be picked up, and that felt awful because you could see everybody else’s parents coming to pick up, you know? And you’re just there left…I never told anyone about gambling, not teachers, not anyone at the school, not friends. Nobody knew, except the people from our sort of cultural background… No one asked me if there was anything going on at home. I was always sort of focused… I didn’t want there to be any complaints to give a reason to my dad to go and hit me.
Financial abuse
One common form of abuse was financial abuse. Some partners felt pressure or obligation to give the person who was gambling money or pay off debts.
My experience was his gambling problem did make him extremely manipulative. He was very, very good at persuading me to do things that would ultimately facilitate that problem, but I didn’t see it that way…Some of the happiest days in those times were when I would comply. If he wanted money or wanted me to get a credit card, if I said yes, he was extremely loving then for a time. If I said no, then the complete opposite reaction of, we’ve got no money, so there’s not really any point in you being here because we can’t go and do anything.
Others described their parent stealing money from their other parent.
My mum would often try to hide money in the house and my dad would often ransack the house. It was almost like it was being burgled. He would go through all of my mum’s things to find money, and he would get it eventually. And if it if my mum had taken it to work, for example, if he couldn’t find it then he would go to her workplace in front of all her work colleagues … So, he’d go in front of them and say, “I need you to get the money”, and my mum would tell me about that after. And she would cry about it.
Culture and gender
Wider social and gender dynamics also played a role. One person described the heightened vulnerability of his mum experiencing financial abuse due to the cultural context in which they were raised.
