Affected others experience disruption to their social life and connection to the community. Taking part in social groups and activities that matter to you and feeling that you belong are very important to being happy and healthy. This also has practical benefits, as you can get information and resources for daily life and help when you need it. So, this disruption to social life is very damaging.
Many affected others felt social groups and communities did not understand or stigmatised gambling difficulties, and they were judged “guilty by association”. Affected others could be stopped from social activities by exhaustion, low self-worth and shame, by abuse or not having money. The prevalence of gambling and its advertising in everyday life can force them into social exclusion. The experience of rejection or alienation from their social circle or community can be long-lasting.
I had lost my mojo. I wasn’t the same person as I was prior to us meeting. My bubbly personality had gone and in turn, I become isolated from loved ones.
During gambling
Affected others in relationships marked by conflict, tension, or domestic abuse report significant social isolation resulting from their partner’s behaviour. They may also not have money for social activities. Additionally, stigma and shame separates them from communities.
I don’t do a lot of things, I’m not as outgoing as I used to be. I’m stressed all the time. I’m worrying about money constantly. When we have it, I’m worried that he is going to gamble it. When we don’t have it, I am worried about where it’s going to come from.
My social life became quite narrow really, and because it was kind of this thing about he needed me to be there. He wanted to know what I was doing at every minute of every day, but yet I didn’t know very much about what he was doing at every minute of every day.
He’d become exceptionally paranoid, it just built up into a frenzy where he knew I was threatened, and he knew I didn’t want to be there. But then every time he left to go out, he sort of threatened me, that you’d better be there when I come back because if you’re not– And I was too scared and I didn’t know where to go and I had nowhere else to go and I didn’t want to go and tell people about this thing that was happening, because as far as everyone was concerned, we were having a nice marriage… He’d left after dragging me out of bed to get me to give him my bank card, which was the only card that was left in the house.
Legacy
Affected others could experience limits on their social connections in the long term.
The social lives of affected others could be disrupted because gambling is everywhere. Affected others may avoid social situations involving gambling to support the person trying to stop or because reminders of gambling are distressing.
We have to do things slightly differently in life. We might have gone for a day out to a race. We wouldn’t do that again. We have to think about it now. Can’t even do a raffle because a raffle can trigger a gambler. We still do a once a year we do a family golf day, in remembrance of my father. And we always used to have a raffle. We had to stop doing the raffle, and we had to make it clear to other people who came along why we did because of [son]. So, it’s impacted us lots of ways… and it’s impacted on just what we do in life and our interests and how we can spend our time.
The thing that’s always been there though is, that we never do anything that’s associated with gambling. It’s almost like saying if you’re trying to lose weight and you’re dieting, and then somebody came and stuck a cream cake in front of you, or whatever you like, whether it’s crisps or whatever, just said, I’m going to leave that there, just don’t eat it. If you were steely, steely, you’d think, no, I’m not going to eat it. Depending on how strong you felt that day, you wouldn’t eat it.
We don’t obviously do raffles anymore either or anything like that. We’re quite strict with it. That was my choice. I made a decision to not gamble anymore. And [our daughter] questioned it one time at a Christmas Fair, and I was like because that’s a form of gambling, and we just explain it to them.
Affected others may experience persistent anxiety about the person, which can stop them from engaging in normal activities, like going on holiday.
You don’t want to be more than an hour away from your child. You don’t want to go on holiday, because the fear, addiction gives you this overwhelming fear like nothing else, because you can lose someone. They can step out off a curb and get hit by a bus, and that is horrific and awful. Addiction, it’s here all the time, and it’s moving around us all the time, and we’re never quite sure when it’s going to grab him.
Affected others could be rejected or ostracised because of the stigma linked to gambling difficulties. They may feel permanently alienated because their social group does not understand. Sometimes the behaviour of the person with gambling difficulties left them embarrassed or ashamed or caused people to break ties with them also.
A lot of rebuilding friendships, high school friendships that he hadn’t– I’d been going out with him for five or six years and hadn’t heard of these people.
To the outside world, probably at least three-quarters of our friends, maybe more, he was such an easy-going and quite a strong opinionated person but he was also quite kind. He always paid for stuff, they never, not hardly any of them really knew what he was properly like. And obviously, when they did, I don’t know what happened, maybe they took too much money off him, too many drinks off him, too many parties off him, I don’t know but when it all happened, they all disappeared on me.
I lost so many friends… I’ve even had a couple of women drop me a message to say that they’ve not been in contact because obviously after my trauma, I just want to leave the past behind. Does that mean I have to have my brains out? I can’t talk to anybody I spoke to the day before he did that, and they were friends again of 10 years. It brought out the weirdest– I honestly just felt like I should have been giving them all therapy. It was really difficult because all I wanted was people to say, are you all right? But they all seem to be struggling with it.
I’m not somebody who cares too much what other people think, but because of the way that he was with the alcohol, I can certainly look my neighbours straight in the eye now, that I don’t have him here.
One person explained their need to move house, as it was the place where they had experienced trauma with their ex-partner. This meant they were distanced from family.
I have to move from this house. Even had to warn my silly parents who would hate it if I lived any further away from now. But I’ve said, “I can’t stay here much longer because it’s just everyday, I’ll walk out of the front door, I pull in everyday, same thing. It doesn’t change.” I don’t think anything else above pulling round that corner and seeing the same thing I saw.