Financial harm is central for those affected by someone else’s gambling. This is especially so when finances where shared or dependent such as partners or children. Parents or siblings also often found themselves having to financially support or ‘bail out’ the gambler. Affected others can end up going without, paying off debt or getting into debt themselves or even losing homes.
Affected others often feel conflicted, concerned that they are continuing the gambling difficulties but worried about the serious consequences if they do not. Alternately, they may feel pressured or coerced or that they have no choice if they want to keep the household going. The money issues cause stress and undermine relationships. Gambling can deteriorate the financial position of several households in a family.
The affected others have no role in the financial harm but are left trying to deal with it. This means the actions of gambling companies, financial services and bankruptcy and criminal justice processes seem especially unjust.
Those payday loan people, they’re all linked to the gambling. That wouldn’t have happened, I don’t believe, had he not have so much gambling debt. You almost feel like you’ve been sucked into that world as well. It’s like you almost feel you’re a little bit tainted by it. The idea that it used to make me so angry, and it still does whenever I think about it, but I would pay thousands of pounds to people, payday loan companies. To me, they’re criminals. They prey on the most vulnerable people. I was physically sick that I was giving these people money. I knew I didn’t have a choice, because I could see what it was doing to him.
During
Affected others experience harm from the drain on daily finances, savings and debt. The situation typically escalates as the person who gambles spends increasing amounts of their income on gambling and then begins using credit facilities. This progresses through overdrafts, multiple credit cards, and high-interest payday loans. As the debts accumulated, family members and partners frequently stepped in to help, lending money to the person who gambled to cover debts. In many cases, the full extent of the gambling-related debts was hidden from those affected until the gambler reached a crisis, such as facing unmanageable debt levels or bankruptcy.
In some cases, when the person who gambled credit rating deteriorated, affected others would take out credit cards in their own names to help. Affected others frequently experience financial difficulties, such as struggling to cover daily living expenses and utilities. Some had to rely on family and friends for financial support and had to cut back on necessities. A common consequence was the erosion of savings.
They were sometimes led to drastic measures, such as having to re-mortgage their homes to manage the financial burden. Close family and partners often find themselves caught in a cycle of trying to alleviate the financial strain caused by gambling, which affected the entire family.
Parents and siblings
Parents can find themselves providing financial assistance to their children, either by lending them money or paying off their debts directly. These parents often experience feelings of guilt or conflict as to whether their financial support is ‘enabling’ their child’s gambling behaviour. However, often, their primary concern is for their child’s safety and well-being. This was especially when they feared their child might take their own life.
If you remove everything from an addict, they will find a way to get what they need. He would either be in prison now, or dead now. As a parent, the payoff for us financially was huge, but as a mum, the payoff financially is nothing… I find that other people can be quite judgmental when they don’t understand addiction. They think it’s a simple case of, “Well, just take it away.” It’s not that simple. Taking the addiction away has a repercussion, which is dangerous.
What I was doing was, basically, I was enabling him because I was helping him out of his financial situation that he was getting into from the gambling. I was helping him out by subbing in, digging him out of a hole. I was enabling him… People would say to me, “You need to cut him off financially. Don’t let him have access to the account.” That’s all very good and well, but when the option of that is just then put a noose around his neck, you can’t withdraw the financial support because he would have killed himself. He never said it. It was a never a guilt thing of him saying, “If you don’t give me the money, mum, I’ll kill myself.” It was more him being very honest in saying, “I can’t ever see this stopping, mum, unless I’m no longer here. I don’t know how to stop this.”
I think as a dad you go into rescue mode, don’t you? And you try and solve it and you try to solve it logically by paying him off and bailing him out, different things that went on. And then you get angry, and then you get frustrated because you couldn’t solve the problem. When really, it wasn’t my problem to solve. Going to GamAnon and realising that I had no control over my son’s gambling was probably the start point of our recovery.
Some parents find that their children initially hide their money problems, as they feel ashamed, or they want to shield their family from the truth. Parents are delayed from realising how serious the issue is.
When he turned 18, what happened was he then started getting loans out, payday loans. He maxed out his Barclaycard. That account got defaulted. But because my wife and I were out working, we had no idea what post was coming to the home. When we were here when the post came, he would always run down and get it and then bring two letters down so we didn’t know there were three or four letters there. Obviously, he was very, very good and resourceful at hiding it and covering it.
Siblings could also end up bailing the person out after they had accrued debts from loans or high-cost credit. In addition to these debts, affected family members often incur extra costs, such as expenses for household items.
At the end of the day, [my brother] was just permanently spending, and overspending on an overdraft. It never went. Technically it was their money that he was spending. You do look. I remember looking and thinking, wow.
That got to a point whereby this time, I’d given him tens of thousands of pounds. My mum and dad, we’re talking huge, huge amounts of money. He would do something and pay it back for a little while, then it became payday loans- and all of this is because of the gambling. Then he had payday loans, and you know how payday loans work. They were even worse than the gambling.
Family members frequently feel a sense of obligation or pressure to assist with money issues caused by the person’s gambling difficulties. Like parents, they can fear that without their financial assistance, their relative might face severe consequences such losing their home.
Every time I felt I got myself back on track, then it felt like he needed money again. When you’ve got family who are still at school. I know I was feeding a habit, but you look and you just think, “Well, I don’t want them to not have a home. I don’t want them to not have…” It’s really hard. It’s easy to think. I won’t, and every time I would say, “This is the last time,” but when it’s the reality of it is they’ll lose the home, they’ll lose this… We would pay his payday loans.
Continually providing financial assistance could damage relationships.
Everything was in trouble, all his bills. I re-mortgaged my house to help him. That was the level of seriousness that we’re talking about. It got to a point where we had showdowns with him. You have those arguments about, “You must be gambling.” “I promise, I’m not.” “You must be gambling.” “I promise, I’m not.” It spoiled our relationship because it’s a real power imbalance in your relationship, and it’s just a horrible way to live.
Assisting a family member with gambling debt could damage an affected other’s financial position and lead to tensions within the broader family network. For instance, one person who helped their sibling with financial issues from gambling subsequently faced challenges in their own relationship with their partner.
Before I spoke to my parents about it, it got to a point where that just did come up, as you can imagine, because it got to a point where I was like, “I can’t keep doing this.” Actually, when I spoke to them, they’d got to that point, too, but before that, it caused a lot of difficulties with my partner, as you can imagine, because although it’s my money, it’s difficult, isn’t it?
Partners
The financial impact of gambling on partners ranged from missing a few bills, to paying off debt or a drastic alteration of their financial situation. Additionally, partners feel a loss of control and security and escalating tensions in their relationship.
He unexpectedly broke down and admitted he couldn’t financially commit to getting our own home. He was in a mess. He had numerous credit card debts. It was the sensible thing to help him and us to use my home from the house sale. Thankfully, I ensured my money indirectly was my part share in his house.
We were quite lucky in a sense. I say lucky, nobody’s lucky in this situation, but the debt wasn’t huge. We didn’t have a mortgage. It hadn’t affected our house. We missed a couple of bills, but thankfully I had my student finance, so I was able to cover them.
When we got married, we got married a year and a half ago, I paid for everything. I paid for what I wore, I paid for what he wore. There was 15 of us that went into a very expensive restaurant, I paid for all that. I thought he didn’t have any money. I had no idea he was gambling. I honestly thought he was having an affair.
But it got to a point that, I think he had got himself in such a mess, he needed me to get him out of the mess he’d got into. It all come out in the open with the big arguments and the tears and the everything that it causes, and I helped him get five credit cards and put various different totals of debt onto each credit card… That was exhausting in itself.
Dealing with creditors caused a lot of stress. This was made worse by the constant pressure and harassment from these creditors.
I had bailiffs at the door, I used to sit on the steps and just shout at the bailiffs to go away. All I kept hearing was people saying don’t open the door to them. That’s all I kept hearing them saying. It was an awful, awful time. I think I just got to the point in the end, where it was like I couldn’t cope with the stress.
The situation was often worse when people gamble with money from joint accounts, depleting savings and making it difficult to pay for household essentials. Some lose their homes.
Partners often find themselves reducing their own or household expenses for necessities and leisure activities to cope with the financial strain caused by gambling.
Without him knowing, we got the ticket home… He had this lovely evening for his 40th birthday. When he opened the ticket, oh my God, it was the probably the most emotional evening ever… On my 40th birthday, because he’d done a massive amount of gambling and we were in a really bad place and it was horrible so I had no money and had a really, really bad 40th birthday.
This financial strain intensified relationship and emotional difficulties, leading to increased tension and arguments within their relationships.
We’d had a lockdown of listening to him shouting at me for various issues– he’d been gambling all the way through the lockdown. There were another few family arguments over money and what was going to happen.
The person gambling and partners often took on additional work to cope with financial difficulties. This reduces the time they can spend with their family, further impacting their personal and family life.
Many say managing family finances due to a partner’s gambling can change the dynamics of the relationship, as they are forced to take on a monitoring or parental role. This shift could led to increased tensions and strain within the relationship.
Some described their situation as ‘financial abuse’, as they were frequently guilted or felt coerced into lending money to the person who gambles.
It’s like financial abuse in a sense, but at the same time, they’re not in control of it. They’re not doing out of badness or – do you know what I mean?
Children
A child recounted being forced into giving money to a parent who gambled. The parent would promise to repay the money, and the child felt unable to refuse the demand. This situation reflects a particularly distressing aspect of gambling addiction, where family dynamics are strained, and children are placed in vulnerable positions. They may feel compelled to give money to the gambling parent out of fear or manipulation.
Legacy
The financial position of affected others and families often suffered long term. But there could also be other kinds of legacies in relationship dynamics and how money is managed in the family.
A parent or spouse can end up having to take control of the finances. The family member who takes on the responsibility can feel overwhelmed by the added burden. They may experience stress due to the need for constant vigilance over their loved one’s spending habits, and this monitoring can lead to tension. The dynamics of the relationship might shift, which can alter the nature of their interactions and affect the emotional connection between them.
Every time he made a purchase, I got a notification straight to my phone. The idea was then he couldn’t be withdrawing cash and he couldn’t be gambling on websites because I would know. That then became a very toxic thing, as you can imagine, where it’s not an intimate relationship. It becomes a managerial where I’m monitoring him very, very closely. Then the arguments that will come from that. I think that real damage to your ability to have a healthy, trusting relationship.
The financial problems can remain for affected others should the person die. When a person passes away, the responsibility of sorting out the finances falls on the family.
We didn’t have a boiler because we couldn’t afford it… So there was always a sort of financial pressure, and obviously there’s been all this weight of debt on my mum and on me as well. I think from a young age, there’s also this idea that me and my brother being able to understand English and yeah, we’ve sort of been managing the household in different ways from a young of age, something that my dad actually encouraged. But also, when he passed away, it sort of did just fall to us to do everything regarding bills and whatever.
After he committed suicide, about seven months later I got solicitor’s letter from one of his personal friends who he’d borrowed £20,000 from, no signed paperwork, no formal agreement, no nothing but he wants it off me, this man. He wants his £20,000 back from me for his gambling debt…So the stress for one letter because then I just kept thinking, my God, who else–? They’re all going to come now. They’re all going to come for the house. Because all I do was doing was working four jobs to try and keep the mortgage going, to keep the house for the kids. Then to have complete strangers wanting £20,000 pounds because of him? He’s been dead nearly a year.
I think I finally sorted all the practical things of those debts and things, but I have to say in the back of my mind, until you get to that seven years post-death, nothing can come, I still dread that something will come. Even though you might not be able to do anything financially, if a debt suddenly arises, we had a letter, mum had a letter a few months ago. I dealt with it, but two and a half years later, you just think, oh, it just resurfaces all of those feelings.
Being affected by someone’s gambling difficulties can change how affected others view and manage money. They often become more careful and controlling with their finances, aiming to avoid financial problems in the future.
The emotional impact is huge. I feel like I am very much changed in I’m really tight with money. I never was that way before. That probably is something I actually need to work on where now I’m quite ungenerous. I do just feel like that’s total trauma around money.
I now realize actually how much of an impact it had on my mum. She has a lot of trust issues and money is always a sore topic or a touchy subject with her because she doesn’t have a lot. Maybe sometimes she hasn’t managed it as well, but I also think finance and money is like a real drive for her, like she needs to have it. I feel like that also probably comes from when my dad was gambling. She was at home looking after me and my sister and then she’d not know each week whether they’d have money that weekend or whether things would get paid. She wasn’t in control of it.