Affected others often deal with the person gambling again, or the threat of the gambling starting again. Affected others describe how their parent, partner, or family member would go through periods of ceasing gambling, but sometimes they would get pulled back to it. This is often devastating.
Partners and family members recount how their loved ones often expressed a desire to stop gambling but required several attempts before they were successful. Some described these initial attempts to stop gambling as ‘half-hearted.’
There were half-hearted attempts maybe over the five years prior, but really nothing serious. I feel like they only were able to happen for the brief periods they did because he just simply had no more money left and was out of options. He’d asked all of the friends he could ask for lends. He’d exhausted me as an option. I don’t think it was an agency thing. It was the conditions.
Others describe witnessing people stop gambling for a period, but then resume gambling again in a way that the person perceived as ‘sustainable’. But many struggle to maintain this over the longer term.
I remember my dad saying he wants to quit many times, and he did have periods where he would abstain from gambling and wouldn’t go to the betting shops. And there were periods also where he would define gambling as sort of sustainable, where he would gamble a certain amount, win a certain amount a day and then stop and I think he was convinced that that could work.
Circumstances such as COVID-19 and other life stressors could cause a person to begin gambling again. Alternately, stressful events could make affected others more anxious about the person going back to gambling. They would notice or be on the lookout for signs that the person was gambling again.
Because he was furloughed so we were at home at the time…. But [partner] has really tried to be super proactive in helping other people on Twitter and in the online community. So, I think that really helped him. Obviously, physical GA meetings were off for quite some time, but they went online, and he did those every single week. So, in terms of his access to support, thankfully that wasn’t disrupted. And I think because we had so much going on at the time, and at home through the day, I think that helped too. I guess if he’d have had more time on his hands, maybe that would have been a problem, but it definitely was a worry.
We stopped going [to Gamblers Anonymous] and then he relapsed. Then COVID hit, so we didn’t have sessions for a bit. Last year, for example, one of his triggers was that he had to have emergency hernia operation. That would be an excuse for him to gamble, but he’d say it as though it was justifying him gambling… Our communication would breakdown then. It was communication was the only thing that was helping him as we went along. As soon as he stopped communicating, that was normally because he’d had it in his head he was going to gamble.
Some partners blame themselves when their partner relapses because they have been told that the person’s gambling is their fault.
All of a sudden, I just saw the triggers, just saw them again… Thought it was me because with the first time, he told me that everything was my fault, and he only did everything because I was such a poor mother and I was such a poor wife and I was the reason this is all happening.
Partners describe feeling devastated when the gambling starts again. Issues of trust and financial stress resurface, along with feelings of betrayal and anger over the person’s return to gambling. They worry about the other person and face uncertainty about the future of their relationship.
Even if it has been a long time since the person stopped gambling, affected others continue to worry that the other person may gamble again.
There’s also this feeling that I have with my dad that I’m obviously worried that he would start gambling again. From what I understand, he doesn’t. Also, to let that go, that’s out of my control.
Affected others experience their own type of relapse in terms of mental health, going through periods of lows following the harm they have endured.
Someone did warn me don’t be surprised if you really feel quite a low after the initial wave of relief has gone over certain things because you’ve held yourself so tight for so long, it’s like I might have had COVID ten times, but I only let it get me three. But when it does get me, it gets me bad. I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s just there’s always been a case of, “Well, who else is going to do it if I don’t?” So I did have days, I did take days I did not get out of bed and I just hid from everything and then the following day, I could get up again and carry on.