Affected others say they often face real or perceived stigma within their social circles. This erodes their social connections and support when they need it. Others find when they do open up, some people are supportive. They can find more people than they expect have similar experiences.
Many people report negative reactions or a lack of understanding from friends, relatives, and colleagues. They may withdraw from social interactions to avoid stigmatising responses. Affected others often describe a profound sense of loneliness and disconnection. This takes coping with the challenges of a loved one’s gambling addiction even more difficult.
I lost so many friends… I’ve even had a couple of women drop me a message to say that they’ve not been in contact because obviously after my trauma, I just want to leave the past behind. Does that mean I have to have my brains out? I can’t talk to anybody I spoke to the day before he did that, and they were friends again of 10 years. It brought out the weirdest– I honestly just felt like I should have been giving them all therapy. It was really difficult because all I wanted was people to say, are you all right? But they all seem to be struggling with it.
Some individuals find understanding and empathy among their friends, family, or acquaintances, particularly if those in their social network had prior experience with gambling difficulties. This familiarity often led to a more compassionate and supportive response. Then people could relate to the challenges, either directly or indirectly.
When I’ve mentioned it to my friends, it’s been, oh, right, but not like a judgment. It’s just like, oh, okay, but then I suppose whenever we speak with anybody now, or I speak with anybody about my work, they go, oh, well, I know such and such, or I know someone. There’s a lot of people who also can relate.
Partners or parents of individuals with gambling problems often face blame for not managing the situation effectively or for failing to stop the gambling. Such accusations can lead to strained relationships, not just with the person who gambles but also with other family members and friends.
Mum will be annoyed, and my mum’s one of these that she sometimes says things that she shouldn’t say. She’ll vent or she’ll put a status on Facebook or something, that’ll be aimed at him or whatever. It’d be very difficult because it doesn’t just affect his relationship with them, it affects mine as well. I’m stuck in the middle of that. I want to talk to my mum, but I don’t want her to say something she shouldn’t say to cause issues with [partner], but then I don’t want [partner] to avoid them, because I don’t want him to not be able to go to events, especially we’ve got our son now.
It has a big effect, and with me and his family, I don’t have anything to do with them because I resent them for not being there and causing the issues we have with him over the years…Then they’ve painted me as a bad person over the years, and that means I have next to no relationship with them.
Those close to someone with gambling issues are frequently confronted with tough choices, like deciding whether to stay close or separate themselves. These decisions are complicated by feelings of being judged by others. Some may feel belittled or perceived as weak for staying in the relationship. Others who choose to leave can grapple with guilt or feel that they have abandoned someone who is unwell. Moreover, unsolicited advice from others, like being told they should simply leave the person, can stop affected others from sharing their experiences.
I get withdrawn about being able to talk to people because I think they’re judging me because like some comments that people make of is, “Just leave him. I don’t know why you’re still with him.” It’s like but there’s a lot more to it. He’s got this addiction. If it was an alcoholic or someone who’s dependent on drugs, you would try and help them because you want that person back that you know is there. When he is not gambling, he’s a good guy.
If you remove everything from an addict, they will find a way to get what they need. He would either be in prison now, or dead now. As a parent, the payoff for us financially was huge, but as a mum, the payoff financially is nothing. I find that quite important to get that message out there, because I find that other people can be quite judgmental when they don’t understand addiction. They think it’s a simple case of, “Well, just take it away.” It’s not that simple. Taking the addiction away has a repercussion, which is dangerous. It’s so multifaceted.
Some said they had negative experiences when seeking help or support. For instance, they may come across forums or support groups that hold a negative view of people who gamble. This can be disheartening and unhelpful for those seeking understanding and assistance in dealing with the challenges posed by a loved one’s gambling behaviour.
I tried to get some advice from some online forums for affected others and didn’t have the best experience with those. I found them quite negative places to be, a bit toxic, sort of very much leaning towards the you can’t stay with this man. He’s never going to change. You’ll never be able to trust him again. You’ll literally have to count every last penny that you have in the house and all these kinds of things, and it absolutely terrified me… I quickly came off those.
In some cultures, or religious communities, gambling might be strongly disapproved of or considered morally wrong, which can intensify the shame and secrecy. This can make it more challenging for affected others to connect with or receive empathy from those around them.
Since the gambling issue came up, his family wouldn’t help us, because obviously, they are Muslim. They know that he gambled. He’d taken money off of them too. So they knew he gambled, but when I asked his brother and sister for help on two different occasions, because I knew how bad things were and because how I needed help with him, I was just told either I was too needy and too lazy and need to get up and get a job myself, or please remember how much he loves you, he’s only just letting off steam.
I think for a long, long period, I’ve been troubled with anxiety, and I think part of that is feeling very different and not feeling like I can connect with anyone… I guess the other side of it is the whole cultural ethnic experience I guess of being a different sort of culture, but as I’ve said to you about the sort of arranged marriage and patriarchal system and all the sort of norms that went with it.