Affected others’ feelings of shame, stress, and concern about stigma can prevent them from confiding in others about their struggles with another’s gambling. The secret of gambling which the person had kept hidden now becomes a secret the affected other has.
Because gambling harm is not spoken about or seen in others often, affected others feel like they are the only people who have been impacted by somebody else’s gambling. The way that harm ripples out and damages children, partners, families and friends is not shown or discussed either. As a result, affected others say they feel alone and isolated.
Affected others worry about being judged themselves but they also worry about potential consequences for the person who gambles. For some, the person who gambles did not want them sharing these problems, which then also meant the affected other could not get support for themselves. Some felt like they were betraying that person if they discussed the situation with others.
He hasn’t got the support from his family, but I have, but then he doesn’t want me to talk to my family because he’s worried about how he’s being judged.
I didn’t want to tell everybody what was going on, because we’d had this big, lovely romantic meeting in Paris, and we had this big wedding, and it had all been great. I just couldn’t tell anybody, because I thought they’re going to look at me like, well, I don’t know, like some sort of failure, or like some sort of lunatic that you’ve ended up with this person. That was really hard keeping it to yourself. I didn’t tell anybody in my family for ages.
Even now, there is still some credit card debt. He’s been very reliably paying that off for a long time now and it’s come down from £5,000 to £2,000. There’s still £2,000 there. That is a really closely guarded secret. Nobody else knows that, and so that is something that I’m very ashamed of.
Then I guess it gets to a point where he can’t stop doing it. He’s addicted, so he can’t stop doing what he’s doing, but you’re staying with him. You get to feel quite embarrassed and definitely a lot of shame. Then a sense as well of wanting to protect him. You don’t want your friends and family to know that your partner has this big problem.
The gambling difficulties become a secret only one or a few people know about, even within a family or group of friends. The secrecy separates people.
[Son] didn’t really want to worry his mum. So, he spoke to me, and he said Dad, don’t tell the mum. And me and my wife have never kept a secret about anything from ourselves. Never. No matter what, we never have… I don’t think I slept for five nights. I was turning over in bed and my wife was saying what’s the matter John? What’s the matter? There’s nothing to worry about I said. And it was eating into me the fact that I had my son telling me one thing, it was eating into me that I was not telling the truth to my wife. And that was really difficult.
He wouldn’t want me to talk to people because he’d feel a bit ashamed about it. That’s when I started to realize there was a problem, because of all the people that he could talk to, I was always the friend that he would come to before we got together and I would go to him and we’d tell each other everything.
Friends and family assumed he had broken down due to life pressures and overwork. They were unaware of our secret.
Affected others said that stigma stopped people from seeking support due to concerns that it would be recorded on their medical history or impact their employment. This adds to the burden and isolation for affected others.
He felt he couldn’t get help because he felt if he went to the doctors for help, it would go on his medical records, and because he worked for the NHS, he might lose his job. Then that was a real genuine belief.
It’s like you feel a shame because you’re in this situation and I’ve got myself into this mess. I always remember [husband] saying one of the worst things that his dad ever told him to do was not to tell anybody. “Don’t tell anybody that you’ve got this problem. Because you’ll never get a job again or you’ll never…” … The more secrets you have to keep, and the worse it gets the most secrets you have to keep. That burden of that is what really does the damage I think in the end. Because it makes you feel you’ve got to deal with it all and you can’t tell anybody.
One affected other recounted an incident where, despite the police being called to their house due to domestic violence, they did not disclose any information. They were concerned about potential repercussions for both themselves and their parent. Additionally, they expressed doubts regarding the appropriateness of the police asking children to make statements about such situations.
I remember the police being called on my dad about a year before he passed away due to domestic violence at home and the police came and me and my mum and my brother didn’t say anything. Once they came, the police knew what had been happening…They took my dad away, and when they asked for a statement, we never said anything because we thought about how it might affect my dad’s job and all of these things and maybe in retrospect, we shouldn’t have. I don’t really know. I don’t think your child should be making these decisions, especially one that’s so emotionally connected.
Due to the hidden nature of gambling harm due to stigma, some children felt as though they were the only ones experiencing it.
I went home, searched for neglected health issues, and I found Tom Watson deputy leader of the Labour Party at the time talking about gambling being this huge crisis. And that was the first time anyone had ever talked, or I had ever heard gambling from anyone outside of my own family to realize that I wasn’t the only one to be affected and that my dad wasn’t the only one. At the time of my dad’s passing, I didn’t believe it.
Children describe not sharing their experiences of gambling harm with treatment providers due to a belief that these professionals would not understand their situation.
I have been to counselling once which was unrelated to gambling. Well, obviously it was related but gambling just never came up. Perhaps it wasn’t the best of experiences. It felt like obviously, if I didn’t mention gambling, then I think they kind of didn’t understand a lot of it because the big context in my whole life has been gambling.
Feeling unable to open up to others due to stigma or feeling gambling issues are misunderstood worsens the harm and stress experienced by those affected, leaving them struggling to cope.
I think I just got to the point in the end, where I couldn’t cope with the stress. I’d be walking around the streets and just start crying, just crying openly in the street, not even knowing why I was crying. I think people who don’t understand gambling or the way that a gambler operates. If they don’t understand that, they can’t quite understand why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling.
You need to have somebody I think that can listen to that and just reflect back what you need without giving an opinion unless you’re really asking for one because it’s really quite a lonely place to be because you do feel a sense of shame. Also, because I knew how ashamed he was, I felt like I was betraying him if I spoke about it.
People express that the more you keep the problem to yourself, the more challenging it becomes to seek help.
The more you keep it in here, the more you allow that fear to grow. The bigger the blanket it becomes over the addiction. Then, you just can’t find your way out. You can’t get to air. It’s almost like being under water, and you just sink deeper and deeper. That is where it’s so dangerous.
You didn’t want to have that embarrassing conversation, so we never discussed it. I wish we had because we maybe would’ve known earlier what a big problem it was.