Stigma
Stigma (person who gambled perspective)

Shame and self-stigma cause harm in themselves

Affected others experience profound feelings of fear, guilt, self-blame, shame and helplessness due to the stigma and discrimination associated with gambling harm. This is damaging to their mental health and well-being and to their self-worth.

Affected others often assume the responsibility of supporting the person with gambling difficulties and managing the consequences of gambling, without much support. Simultaneously, affected others experience blame and self-blame for both the gambling difficulties and the consequences. They may face judgment or feel implicated in the gambler’s difficulties merely due to their close relationship. This sense of stigma intensifies when they feel overlooked or disregarded in their own need for support.

These feelings of failure and self-blame, whether as a parent, partner, or child, other family or friend, highlight the profound emotional toll that gambling addiction can have not just on the person who participated in gambling, but on their entire network of close relationships.

Parents

Parents often experience a lot of distress. Some say they blame themselves. Initially, they usually do not understand gambling addiction initially. The confusion and worry make them feel guilty, as they wonder if something they did while raising their child led to the addiction.

Well, [son] started gambling when he was 14, and it was online poker. As a parent, I advise my boys on the dangers of drugs, alcohol, predators, that type of thing, driving too fast when they pass the test. The one thing I never saw the danger in was giving him a laptop and a smartphone. Basically, what I did, I handed [son] a loaded weapon. I gave him the means to, basically, go down this path.

We’re the ones that are left sitting at home with that guilt of, “What about if I had spoken to somebody, could I have stopped it?” No, actually, you probably couldn’t, but there is so much fear and guilt. I think with parents, don’t feel guilty, it’s your child. You always look and think, “What did I do wrong to make my child an addict?” I have done that to myself. “What did I do wrong? Did I not love him enough? Did I not give him enough attention? Did I always give him too much financial and monetary, and materialistic things? Is it my fault that he’s an addict?”

Partners

Partners also feel a lot of distress because they blame themselves. They worry that maybe something they did might have led to their partner’s gambling issue. They question if they could have been more supportive or if they should have recognized the signs of gambling earlier. Often, they don’t fully understand gambling addiction, which makes them think they may be part of the problem. For some, these feelings worsen if their partner also blames them.

There was different feelings from my side. It was like, “Well, if I let him do this, is it my fault, because I haven’t picked it up?” If I drove him to it, because sometimes he’d say it was me, if something was happening in our relationship at the time.

All of a sudden, I just saw the triggers, just saw them again… Thought it was me because with the first time, he told me that everything was my fault, and he only did everything because I was such a poor mother and I was such a poor wife and I was the reason this is all happening.

I was very, very ashamed and I apologized to him for saying what I said two weeks into our relationship. I said, “I shouldn’t have said that to you. I didn’t know any better. I’d never heard of gambling addiction. That’s the worst thing I could’ve said to you because I’ve closed the door on you ever being able to tell me anything,” because if you’d have said to me at any point, “I’ve got a problem with gambling,” I would’ve thrown him out. That was in his head because I put it there. I felt really guilty about that, and I’ll always feel guilty about that.

I experience shame and guilt at leaving someone I vowed to love unconditionally. I wondered was if it was my fault, did I expect too much? I feel a naivety, a lack of judgment. Did I further the hurt caused to the gambler?

He continued to gamble in his own cocoon. Any confrontation we had were instigated by me. I gave into his accusations and took responsibility as I wanted him to be happy and love me like he had done in the early days. Once again, I blamed myself. I felt shame and guilt.

He was always a little bit coercive and quite controlling but again, I don’t mind pleading all innocence because I think it’s why a lot of people, men and women don’t speak up, because they feel they’ve been so stupid. But it’s not being stupid, it’s not knowing, it’s not being educated, it’s not being around that world.

If you don’t see those things and know exactly what they’re for, or you know those feelings and those behaviours and you know why they’re happening, you can’t blame yourself for being stupid. That’s one thing I spent a long time doing. I have to say now because I wasn’t stupid, I was unaware, but his coercive and quite controlling personality then put constraints on our relationship.

Despite being somewhat relived I am away from the compulsive gambling, I find it difficult to forgive myself.

Siblings

Siblings can worry that their actions might be enabling the gambling behaviour or feel helpless. Additionally, they often struggle with intense guilt when they find themselves having negative feelings towards their sibling who is gambling.

I suppose it’s like a taboo, isn’t it? It’s a little bit like suicide and other aspects of things, but people make lots of judgments very quickly about certain things in life. I think gambling is one of those things and people make those judgments about it being weak people and a bit hopeless… I never felt ashamed of my brother, but I felt angry with him, and then I would feel guilty that I felt angry. It’s just horrible.

He would say he was ashamed of himself to me sometimes. It’s just you feel helpless because there’s nothing you can do. You can’t make somebody go and speak to somebody. It’s frustrating. You can see somebody needs help. There’s not really anywhere to go to find out how to help people. I remember searching, and it would say things like don’t enable them. Then you feel guilty because you know you have, but then you’re torn because you know he’s not going to eat.

I asked for his bank statements, and as the executor, I could have them. It came in, and it was only two years’ worth of bank statements. You think about a piece of paper, it came in three separate packages, and the packages were this thick each. Literally, you would have minute-by-minute, by minute-by-minute pages of gambling… It made me feel really sick because I just thought, oh, what was your life like and we didn’t have any idea how awful it was, because I did judge. No matter how hard you try, you do judge. I think when you’re in those circumstances, it’s really hard because it’s impacting on your life.

Children

Children often feel a profound sense of grief, confusion, guilt, deep sadness and unresolved feelings towards their parent.

I remember being woken up the day after in the early hours and mum and brother being there crying and telling me that my dad had passed away on the way from work. I was in disbelief. I didn’t know what to think or feel. I remember them crying and then not having the feeling or the desire of feeling like I wanted to cry. Then they told me I should cry, and I just didn’t know whether I should or what I should be feeling. I think that has caused me a tremendous amount of guilt because obviously I realized I didn’t have any part in it, but I do feel quite sad about the whole I miss my dad… I try to be kind to myself and to realize at the time things were very difficult.

Get Support

If you feel like you need support or someone to talk to about your own or someone else’s gambling, there are several organisations who can offer help, support and answer any questions you may have.

Take Part

We are inviting people to share their experiences of any kind of difficulties due to gambling.