You’ve got access to things to try and help you out to try and get straight but realistically, you’re just going down a deeper and deeper hole and eventually, it could lead to– You hear about people who’ve taken their own lives, because they’ve got in such a mess, the embarrassment, the shame, the money they owe. At times, you do think, “How can I get straight? How can I get back to normal? How can I pay this money back?” Questions are just going over and over in your head and then again, this is when you’re lying awake at night, and you do at times, you get some really dark thoughts as though, “Is there a way out from this?” I can almost understand why people do drastic things because you just don’t think there’s a way out.

Then I think that’s the turning point with what you say there. Once you could get onto your phone and access, it’s just ridiculous the amount of bets and you can basically bet on everything and whereas you go in a bookies and there might be just the odd bet here, it just opens so many things.

It was always going to bookies. Again, I think perhaps that was why I probably didn’t ever put that much on, because it was perhaps the way it was as well. You tended to perhaps know a lot of people because it’s only a small area where I live. Perhaps you knew people and you were almost not wanting them to see if you were putting a certain amount on or your dad might have even been in there as though, well, what are you doing with £20-30? You know I only have a couple of pounds on, so it was almost, I just put little bits on just for the enjoyment.

I actually spoke to my GP not long after this all came out, but I thought he was a waste of space to be honest because at no point did he say, “Yes, I’d like to speak to you.” He just said, “I’ll send you a few links regarding counselling which I found poor, to be honest. Because I do feel as though when you’re speaking to someone face to face, you can get your point across and explain stuff and it was just the case of probably. “I don’t want to see you. I can just send you links,” and the links were just about counselling.

You’ve got access to things to try and help you out to try and get straight but realistically, you’re just going down a deeper and deeper hole and eventually, it could lead to– You hear about people who’ve taken their own lives, because they’ve got in such a mess, the embarrassment, the shame, the money they owe. At times, you do think, “How can I get straight? How can I get back to normal? How can I pay this money back?” Questions are just going over and over in your head and then again, this is when you’re lying awake at night, and you do at times, you get some really dark thoughts as though, “Is there a way out from this?” I can almost understand why people do drastic things because you just don’t think there’s a way out.

I mean whereas probably a normal person, should I say, who’s not a gambler like myself, a normal person would probably think, “I’ve lost, walk away. I couldn’t really afford to do that. This is where I stop now,” I would 24 hours later, having felt awful and so down, that bet that should be still fresh in your memory for probably weeks or months after it’s almost just gone like that because you’re then thinking, what can I do? How can I get it back on the next event?

Sometimes, my little boy, he has disabilities, and my wife also does have a disability. Sometimes I’ve almost questioned myself as though I wonder if it’s almost something to perhaps erase what’s going on at home, as though for a bit of a buzz or to able to turn round and say, “I’ve won some money. Well, it’d be nice to treat them.” I think does that sometimes play in my head as though that would be nice, it’s almost an escape, if you like, from what’s going on at home.

From an early age my dad had put bets on for me, but it was always, perhaps, daft amounts like 25p, 50p on horses or something, just for a bit of interest. Then when I got to the age where I could go in a bookmakers, I was quite often going in. Again, because you didn’t have that sort of money then as such. I did have a paper round, so I suppose I had a bit of extra money, or I got pocket money. It was only really when I was 18 and able to go in bookmakers, which I did – I don’t mind admitting I did enjoy going in, I felt it was quite a buzz.

My dad’s already made it clear and said, “You know this is the last time. You know we can’t help you out again.” Again, I’ve got to keep that in my head as though I know, I can’t. I don’t want my marriage to end because of what I’ve done. This is where it’s sad and upsetting because you think, “Through no fault of my wife’s, I’ve put her in this position.” She’s the innocent one in this. My son’s innocent, my family are all innocent, and yet I’m the one who’s putting the worry and stress and strain on them from no fault of their own.

You’re so consumed by all the betting and what you’re doing, you’re not making time for the person you should be making time for… Even sometimes you’re saying like, “Where’s it going? Is there any affection or there doesn’t seem to be that connection that there was years ago.” Then you think, yes, it probably is mainly down to myself when I look back now, because I am not probably giving her the time she wants and saying nice things to her or being a family person because it’s so – At the time, if we’d been out as a family and both my wife and son have said to me, “What are you doing on your phone again? You’re always on your phone.”

You’ve got access to things to try and help you out to try and get straight but realistically, you’re just going down a deeper and deeper hole and eventually, it could lead to– You hear about people who’ve taken their own lives, because they’ve got in such a mess, the embarrassment, the shame, the money they owe. At times, you do think, “How can I get straight? How can I get back to normal? How can I pay this money back?” Questions are just going over and over in your head and then again, this is when you’re lying awake at night, and you do at times, you get some really dark thoughts as though, “Is there a way out from this?” I can almost understand why people do drastic things because you just don’t think there’s a way out.

I can only say and reiterate what I said earlier that, when you do stop, albeit it’s only early days. It makes you appreciate everything so much more, around you. It’s ridiculous but just to go to bed at night with a clear head knowing that I’m not worrying about things. It’s the norm but at the same time, it feels great.

You’re thinking, “How can I get that money back,” and then you’re thinking, the biggest thing is the amount of people you’ve let down. The shame of letting those people down and instead of being upfront and saying, “I’ll put my hands up. I’ve made a huge mistake.” You almost don’t want the embarrassment of having to say that. I know it would be almost the coward’s way out but you feel as though you can’t come forward and tell people what you’ve been doing whereas like I say, both times I’ve been caught out rather than come forward. You think, “It’s probably a blessing I have been caught out”.

It was probably about three years ago when my wife questioned me because she’d seen that I’d been going into the savings, which was again to gamble with, and she just asked me what have I been doing, so I knew I had to say what I’d been doing because I couldn’t think– well, I didn’t think I was probably going to get caught, and I felt as though I could probably replace it, so- I should have come clean. I know I should have come clean, but she caught me, so upset.