He became insular, spending time that I expected to be ours in his office, obviously now gambling. I began to analyse things he did and asking questions. He disliked this interrogation as he called it and changed the subject to avoid confrontation. I would persevere but always ended up apologising. It was apparent his gambling was taking over his life and preventing us from having a shared relationship and I decided to end it.

Gambling was his life, his priority, his passion, his buzz. He was a compulsive gambler. We were both in denial. Life was never the same. I gave my all however I was not happy. It was a continuous rollercoaster relationship. He was happy as he was gambling and getting the buzz.

He unexpectedly broke down and admitted he couldn’t financially commit to getting our own home. He was in a mess. He had numerous credit card debts. It was the sensible thing to help him and us to use my home from the house sale. Thankfully, I ensured my money indirectly was my part share in his house.

Friends and family assumed he had broken down due to life pressures and overwork. They were unaware of our secret.

He continued to gamble in his own cocoon. Any confrontation we had were instigated by me. I gave into his accusations and took responsibility as I wanted him to be happy and love me like he had done in the early days. Once again, I blamed myself. I felt shame and guilt.

He was in a mess and didn’t know what to do. Like other instances, the initial shock, anger, confusion of his admission didn’t last long and once again I took control and tried to sort the situation.

We attended Gamblers Anonymous, made the GP aware of his addiction. Immediate family were told basics as were some close friends. They were proud of him as I was. However I did not seek help myself as I thought I was fine. I was oblivious to my needs… I continued to give all I had to repair the damage the compulsive gambler had caused… In hindsight, I should have sought help at this critical time.

Although he attended GA meetings my feelings for him especially trust were apparent. An array of emotions overwhelmed me.

I analysed everything, was this my fault? Should I have said or done something earlier? Was I to blame? Was I responsible for this problem?

I had lost my mojo. I wasn’t the same person as I was prior to us meeting. My bubbly personality had gone and in turn, I become isolated from loved ones.

Help shouldn’t be avoided. Don’t dismiss feelings. Deal with them but only with those who do not further criticise. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself… No one can fix the gambler. They have to realise they are responsible and take ownership for their actions and deal with the consequences. Do things you want to do. You are in control not the gambler.

My husband could not understand the consequences of his compulsive gambling and we resumed the confrontations that increased marriage problems. He obviously thought going to GA and abstaining from gambling was enough to satisfy my requirements as he would say. I continued to say I was proud of him, but rarely did he support me in my distress and offered me very little empathy. He used to say he couldn’t understand why I had these feelings now he was gamble free.

Although we are divorced emotionally and financially, I continue to work at the emotional trauma I have experienced. It’s not a quick fix.

As time elapsed and following a further course of counselling, I got the courage to end the toxic relationship and divorce proceedings instigated. I recognised the need of a financial and emotional break.

He was in denial and said “it was all in the past” and told me that it was my problem. I doubt he gained much from attending GA meetings – again saying he only attended them to pacify me. He said he didn’t need to go as he wasn’t as addicted or lost what others had in the group, another instance of his excuses and denial.

I really feel the needs of the affected other are dismissed by many. More aid and support has to be implemented. There seems to be more of an understanding offered to the gambler and very little to the affected other. The gambler receives recognition often for their courage. I agree compulsive gambling is an illness. This is reiterated following several suicide attempts. Despite my hands on support towards him rarely did the medical or social services recognise the potential and actual harm that this caused me. Equally his close family and friends took his side and offered me very little empathy.

The consequences of living with a compulsive gambler had taken its toll. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I needed to take control of myself as my loved ones were suffering as a result of it all.

I am definitely not the person I was prior to meeting the gambler. I have lost my mojo as some say. I have become isolated. I continually question who I am, and experience a loss of identity, a lack of personality and confidence. I find myself being more apologetic.

Despite being somewhat relived I am away from the compulsive gambling, I find it difficult to forgive myself.

I experience shame and guilt at leaving someone I vowed to love unconditionally. I wondered was if it was my fault, did I expect too much? I feel a naivety, a lack of judgment. Did I further the hurt caused to the gambler?