I know exactly when it started, and I know exactly how I felt at the time. He’d become a single parent and money’s tight. He was a health professional, with two children. It’s hard, isn’t it? There’s never enough money to go around. It was something like bingo that came up on the TV when all of that started being quite a big thing. Those free, you can get £10 free play bingo and he won straight away. I remember how excited he was about that and what he was then going to take the kids away, and he never could afford to do things like that… I remember that time feeling, seeing his excitement and what that could do, but knowing, feeling my sense of dread at that time. Little did I know how big that sense of dread would be.

It’s that accessibility. He went through a tough time in his personal life. He then spent a lot of time on his own, he wasn’t well enough to go to work for a little while. Kids were at school. Then he also did a lot of night shifts. Kids are at school, he’s on his own. He’s feeling fed up. It’s that buzz of that quick win. Those algorithms, they’re just so clever, aren’t they? They give people the win at the exact time.

When I look or think about how [my brother] was, it seems to me almost like living on a permanent rollercoaster of emotions. There’s that incredible high moment, isn’t there, where you get something and for that brief moment, life might be all right and there’s a life at the end, that light is there, and then it’s quickly snatched. It’s like living on that, I can’t imagine what that is like. I think it’s just all-encompassing of everything. You can’t do anything else. Because it’s so in your face, there isn’t really an escape.

I know I was feeding a habit, but you look and you just think, “Well, I don’t want them to not have a home. I don’t want them to not have…” It’s really hard. It’s easy to think. I won’t, and every time I would say, “This is the last time,” but when it’s the reality of they’ll lose the home, they’ll lose this. You’re looking at those children, if it had just been my brother, you can lose that and we’ll get you help and you can move in with– but when it’s them, it’s really difficult to not do that. You knew you were enabling him, and he promised that he wasn’t gambling.

In the end, the children had to know. They had to be in charge of making sure he didn’t touch the laptop and making sure he didn’t have a phone. That’s a big thing to have to be responsible for.

You can’t do anything else. Because it’s so in your face, there isn’t really an escape. I think you have to be a really, really strong person in the world that we have now to do all of the things you need to be able to do to protect yourself, to try and heal from gambling addiction. Quite honestly, I think the world is against you in trying to heal from it. It’s there, isn’t it? It’s all the time in everything, in all sorts of ways and it’s far too easy.

I’ve been watching, I’m a Celebrity, and I’m desperate for Matt Hancock not to win. I’m buying five votes every night, but to get four votes you have to click on the advert. The advert is a gambling advert. Now I just click it over, but it’s that in your face all the time. You would just click and spend that money.

I just think the industry isn’t controlled enough, and they don’t care. There’s not a recognition of the harm, and it’s a bit like anything, isn’t it? I like a drink, I’ll have a glass of wine, and should I not be able to have wine because other people can’t manage? No, of course not, but I just think I still would have to go out, and do something about that, wouldn’t I? Even when my brother was a smoker, he still would have to go out to get those cigarettes. Now there’s just a little moment there where there’s just that opportunity for a think. I’m not saying it’s that easy but I just think gambling, it’s insidious. It’s there. You’re on Twitter, you’re on Facebook, and you’re watching TV.

I would love to see gambling advertising gone. I certainly would love to see it not on anything like sports shirts, children go to those matches. What messages are we sending to younger people about gambling as well?

I’m a football supporter, and I look, they had a ridiculous thing a couple of weeks ago where it was like– they didn’t advertise the gambling because all the championship teams are sponsored by Bet365. It was about promoting sensible gambling. I thought, well, that’s just ridiculous because every other week you are sponsored by them. They are your shirt sponsors, in their Twitter feed, there’s always like– it’s everywhere, isn’t? It’s just– it’s too easy.

I think because gambling and that kind of like, oh, put 50p. on the– it’s so now socially acceptable…Gambling kills people…There isn’t even safe gambling advice out there. There’s advice about safe alcohol consumption, your diet, your sun exposure, your sleep, everything, but not about gambling. Gambling, it kills people and it ruins lives. I don’t know why it doesn’t get the same kind of attention.

It’s that buzz of that quick win. Those algorithms, they’re just so clever, aren’t they? They give people the win at the exact time. None of it is accidental, but they give people that win and that buzz, that buzz that minute gives you or that relief because you think, “Oh, I’ve made some of that money back, and maybe I can buy the kids some food,” because that’s the point he was living at. It was not for anything nice. They always work at that point to keep people hooked in. It’s a terrible industry, don’t get me started, but it really is. It’s cruel and it’s so accessible.

I guess I’ll always be angry about the circumstances around it and I’ll always be really sad. We were very, very close brothers. There’s not a day when something doesn’t, whether it’s a little picture of Twitter and you think, “Oh, that’s…” Like anybody when people die… but I’m very, very, as you would imagine, anti-gambling. It makes me so cross how readily accessible it still is.

It’s obviously all the online stuff, all the stuff that’s easily accessible on your phone, it’s so accessible, isn’t it? He would never, ever have gone into a betting shop, place to bet. He would never have gone to a casino. It’s all online. It’s that accessibility.

I’m sure we’d have been sat there with [name] sometimes, like my mum’s thinking he’s texting somebody and he’ll be placing a bet or waiting for a bet.

I dealt with everything when he died and I had his phone. Literally, his phone was bombarded with two things. It was text messages and emails from online gambling people, offering all sorts, all the time. I had it on for 48 hours, and I must have got 60 or 70 notifications, and equally, phone calls, emails, and text messages from people that he was in massive debt to. I cannot imagine. It made me feel sick holding that phone and I thought, “This isn’t me and my life.” I’m not really surprised he ended up where he ended up because I can’t imagine living like that.

He had several loans and all of this is because of the gambling. Then he had payday loans, and you know how payday loans work. They were even worse than the gambling.

I remember looking at some of those things when [my brother] died. I was like, my goodness, you know, you must know how much, and I looked. It was one of the most sobering things actually, his bank statements because I was frustrated with the level of overdraft he’d been allowed to get compared to his salary.

I asked for his bank statements, and as the executor, I could have them. It came in, and it was only two years’ worth of bank statements. You think about a piece of paper, it came in three separate packages, and the packages were this thick each. Literally, you would have minute-by-minute, by minute-by-minute pages of gambling. Then you’d get some payments in, and you can see how it would be just one more go, just one more go. Oh, I’ve won £50 pounds, then it’s gone again, and more when that’s gone. That was one of the most, I think, distressing things.

If you think about alcohol adverts or something like that, it doesn’t say spend £5, and we’ll send you £50, but it’s not the same. Yet it doesn’t get, I don’t know, it’s too easy. It’s too accessible. I think of all the types of addiction you can have, it’s the one that probably preys on the most vulnerable, and anybody almost is so susceptible to it. I look at how desperate people will be for money now. I just think all it takes is that… It’s so quick because they know exactly what they’re doing, and they lure those people in.

I think there needs to be a much bigger emphasis on everybody’s responsibilities within it because at the moment I think the only responsibility really is on the individual. When an individual has a problem, they aren’t able to take that responsibility, because by the time they realize they need to, often it’s too late.

I understand that there’s lots of people who feel that if it’s anything to do with your mental health… and we haven’t overcome as a society. I think gambling is even more taboo than some of those other stigmas.

I think that’s the same, whether it’s alcohol, drugs, tobacco, whatever it is. I think there’s a lot of people who hold very, quite stereotypical views about people with addiction, I think, and what kind of people they must be. I think gambling is probably even more so. I think because gambling and that kind of like, oh, put 50p. on the– it’s so now socially acceptable, whereas the others, there’s lots of advertising isn’t there around, obviously tobacco, we know that.

There isn’t even safe gambling advice out there. There’s advice about safe alcohol consumption, your diet, your sun exposure, your sleep, everything, but not about gambling. Gambling, it kills people and it ruins lives. I don’t know why it doesn’t get the same kind of attention.

I’m a bit of a chocoholic, it’s not quite the same, but that would be my guilty pleasure. If I walk past some chocolate, I’ll have to buy it. Now that’s not quite the same thing, but that’s not in my face all of the time. To have to think– I can’t imagine what it’s like. I think it must just have churned away in his stomach the whole time. I think the level of shame in it, it’s seen with I think all addictions, there’s a lot of misconceptions, isn’t there, preconceptions about the people who are addicted to things.

He would say he was ashamed of himself to me sometimes. It’s just you feel helpless because there’s nothing you can do. You can’t make somebody go and speak to somebody. It’s frustrating. You can see somebody needs help. There’s not really anywhere to go to find out how to help people. I remember searching, and it would say things like don’t enable them. Then you feel guilty because you know you have, but then you’re torn because you know he’s not going to eat.

I asked for his bank statements, and as the executor, I could have them. It came in, and it was only two years’ worth of bank statements. You think about a piece of paper, it came in three separate packages, and the packages were this thick each. Literally, you would have minute-by-minute, by minute-by-minute pages of gambling… It made me feel really sick because I just thought, oh, what was your life like and we didn’t have any idea how awful it was, because I did judge. No matter how hard you try, you do judge. I think when you’re in those circumstances, it’s really hard because it’s impacting on your life.

You didn’t want to have that embarrassing conversation, so we never discussed it. I wish we had because we maybe would’ve known earlier what a big problem it was.

You need to have somebody I think that can listen to that and just reflect back what you need without giving an opinion unless you’re really asking for one because it’s really quite a lonely place to be because you do feel a sense of shame. Also, because I knew how ashamed he was, I felt like I was betraying him if I spoke about it.

He felt he couldn’t get help because he felt if he went to the doctors for help, it would go on his medical records, and because he worked for the NHS, he might lose his job. Then that was a real genuine belief.

He lost his house. That’s his future in terms of pension planning and everything else. This carried on and on. The debt got worse and worse. It never resolved itself until, sadly he was dead by the time we got there. That was about gambling.

I remember looking at some of those things when [my brother] died. It was one of the most sobering things actually, his bank statements because I was frustrated with the level of overdraft, he’d been allowed to get compared to his salary…I asked for his bank statements and it was only two years’ worth of bank statements. You think about a piece of paper, it came in three separate packages, and the packages were this thick each. Literally, you would have minute-by-minute, by minute-by-minute pages of gambling. Then you’d get some payments in, and you can see how it would be just one more go, just one more go. Oh, I’ve won £50 pounds, then it’s gone again, and more when that’s gone. That was one of the most distressing things.

At the end of the day, [my brother] was just permanently spending, and overspending on an overdraft. It never went. Technically it was their money that he was spending. You do look. I remember looking and thinking, wow.

It’s just horrible… Then, I wouldn’t be able to sleep overnight and I’d always worry ironically, “Well, if he ever does anything, and I haven’t supported him, then, I don’t want that on my conscience,” and all the other things.

That got to a point whereby this time, I’d given him tens of thousands of pounds. My mum and dad, we’re talking huge, huge amounts of money. He would do something and pay it back for a little while, then it became payday loans- and all of this is because of the gambling. Then he had payday loans, and you know how payday loans work. They were even worse than the gambling.

Everything was in trouble, all his bills. I re-mortgaged my house to help him. That was the level of seriousness that we’re talking about. It got to a point where we had showdowns with him. You have those arguments about, “You must be gambling.” “I promise, I’m not.” “You must be gambling.” “I promise, I’m not.” It spoiled our relationship because it’s a real power imbalance in your relationship, and it’s just a horrible way to live.

Those payday loan people, they’re all linked to the gambling. That wouldn’t have happened, I don’t believe, had he not have so much gambling debt. You almost feel like you’ve been sucked into that world as well. It’s like you almost feel you’re a little bit tainted by it. The idea that it used to make me so angry, and it still does whenever I think about it, but I would pay thousands of pounds to people, payday loan companies. To me, they’re criminals. They prey on the most vulnerable people. I was physically sick that I was giving these people money. I knew I didn’t have a choice, because I could see what it was doing to him.

Every time I felt I got myself back on track, then it felt like he needed money again. When you’ve got family who are still at school. I know I was feeding a habit, but you look and you just think, “Well, I don’t want them to not have a home. I don’t want them to not have…” It’s really hard. It’s easy to think. I won’t, and every time I would say, “This is the last time,” but when it’s the reality of it is they’ll lose the home, they’ll lose this… We would pay his payday loans.

Before I spoke to my parents about it, it got to a point where that just did come up, as you can imagine, because it got to a point where I was like, “I can’t keep doing this.” Actually, when I spoke to them, they’d got to that point, too, but before that, it caused a lot of difficulties with my partner, as you can imagine, because although it’s my money, it’s difficult, isn’t it?

I think I finally sorted all the practical things of those debts and things, but I have to say in the back of my mind, until you get to that seven years post-death, nothing can come, I still dread that something will come. Even though you might not be able to do anything financially, if a debt suddenly arises, we had a letter, mum had a letter a few months ago. I dealt with it, but two and a half years later, you just think, oh, it just resurfaces all of those feelings.

It just takes the enjoyment out of the relationship because you either end up, I don’t know, say you go out for a meal or a drink, maybe it’s payday, and [my brother] might say, “Well, I’ll buy a round.” Then in the back of your mind, the whole time you’re thinking, “Well, what will that round…?” I know it sounds awful but there’s that aspect of it, just you’re permanently waiting, and that whole idea that every time the phone rings and their number comes up, and it’s somebody that you really love, and was one of the most important people in my life. That kind of relationship where you can argue like cat and dog one minute, then it’s that brother relationship… I suppose it undermines that trust you have in somebody.

I would feel angry, probably the most angry because he would miss out on things with the children…. I found it unforgivable that he couldn’t put his [children] first and that they were having to monitor his phone use or they were not warm enough or not this or not that. Then they were missing out on things with him because of the gambling. I could never understand that. That’s because I didn’t have an addiction. I get all of that, but I think that’s probably the thing I found the hardest of all because I just think why would they not matter enough? It’s not that easy. I know that.

It just gets in the way. I look back now at that kind of thing – it never stopped us being brothers, and I can see how it could have. It came perilously close sometimes, I think… Again, I guess I was resentful sometimes because I would think, “ I’m working hard here, I’m saving up, and then I’m back to square one.” It’s hard not to be a little bit selfish then sometimes and think, well, because you’ve chosen that, it’s not that simple, but because of your life choices, in a simple way, then I can’t do—you know – That’s hard.

I would always talk to the same friend. It was just too good to have somebody who would just listen. It’s that kind of friendship where they know when you want an opinion, and when you don’t, and the opinion, discussions or the proper discussions would never happen at those hard times. They’d happen at other times where you could explore your own feelings about it because it’s really complex.

It’s about remembering who you are in it as well. You are allowed for it to affect you and you are allowed to feel the feelings that you feel and they’re a huge range of feelings, because they are, they are anger, they’re worry, they’re massive worry… It’s making sure you do what you need to do for you to look after you as well because it is hard… You feel really helpless because you want it to be different for them. They want it to be different. He didn’t want life to be like that, but you can only do so much then that’s really hard.

Not for myself. I did consider it at times. It’s complicated. During the time I didn’t, I just used that peer support and that was to that Ok in terms of that at the time and part of the support. After he died, again, my friend was really great in terms of he was really practical, because you can imagine the level of bills and the level of people who are contacting. I read a lot around general stuff. I already had a lot of experience around that suicide loss kind of thing… I haven’t needed to look for anything specific, but equally, I can see how I could have ended up needing to do that.

He wouldn’t go to anything through a GP or anything like that. Actually, there’s very little out there otherwise. Even through GPs, I don’t think there’s much, but it’s actually quite– I remember looking and thinking, well, what could I find for him. Actually, there’s not much out there, is there, that’s specific for that?

People can put blocks on things, but all you do is you just set up another account with somebody else. I’d love to see some more joined-up thinking in that respect of, “right, we’re really going to support people and they are at crisis point then”, because all they will do is go onto another platform… I don’t see why that couldn’t happen to at least minimize it a little bit because casino gambling and going into a betting shop is much more regulated, but the online world is just too accessible.

I would love to see gambling advertising gone. I certainly would love to see it not on anything like sports shirts, children go to those matches. What messages are we sending to younger people about gambling as well?

The [brother’s children] grew up with the impact of gambling and both of them are very, very anti-gambling, I’m glad to say because it can go either way, can’t it, with anything like that? I think they should have had support then and if it had been more open then maybe that would have been accessible to them… I think the understanding of how it impacts an individual, if that was better, and how it then impacts family members of all sorts of different families and friends, I think if there was more understanding of that, then perhaps the support would be better.

There’s a charity called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, and that’s for family members… It’s people who have similar stories, but everybody’s story is different, but there are some similarities, aren’t there? I just think, not just for gambling, addiction, but for any addictions. They’re all different. You could lump everybody in together, but to be somewhere where you could talk and be open about your feelings… It would be lovely to, especially at the time, to be able to talk to other people who understood properly.

I’d love to see a route where perhaps it’s not to the GP as such but that kind of approach where people could self-refer and it’s on the NHS but you get your six sessions or whatever it is, it’s there… I don’t think their GP is the person they go to because all addiction I think carries a sense of shame and like you’ve not been able to manage yourself how people feel they should. I’d like to see that being more accessible in terms of treatment.

I’d love there to be more specialism there because if you ring up talking therapies and you need some help, they are quite generic and that’s no criticism but that’s not going to help a gambling addict or any kind of addict.

I think it would be great to have public information type campaigns. I think that proactive approach to like everything, isn’t it? If you can manage to do most things in moderation, you’ll be okay and most people will, but people don’t know the warning signs for things like that. I think that would break down some of the stigma about seeking support. I’d like to see that more mainstream and more out there.

I am open with people when I talk about my brother. I talk, because I just think it’s about reducing that stigma. He wasn’t his gambling habit, but his gambling habit, it killed him ultimately. What a terrible thing to say, but it did, so I am very open about it. I’m always mindful because I know it’s his story and that’s hard and I share it and sometimes I think, “Should I do that or not?” I just have to make that decision myself and the thought that if it helps other people, then I know the last thing I want is, I think it’s a story that should be shared for the right reasons in the hope that it can make a difference.

I see people talking a lot and I witnessed it first-hand of no affordability checks for putting money in, but getting money out then suddenly can become a problem. I think a thorough identification, some kind of ID system with affordability checks, and a centralized system of if someone actually has accounts across 25, 30 websites and they’re depositing what looks like an okay amount on one, but times that by 30, which was what he was doing.

The advertising stuff does annoy me as well. I know people say, imagine this was a cigarette company, people would be so horrified. I hope that’s the way it goes that in the future, it’s looked at like tobacco companies and we just can’t believe that we ever had advertising.

By the time I started seeing him, he couldn’t get a phone contract. One thing that he told me along the way was your credit history resets after a period of time. I’m not actually sure to what extent that is true. It’s like a separate issue of there could be things in place to stop people being able to gamble, but also, what potential affordances might there be so that it’s not the case of people in recovery are unfairly disadvantaged for a long period of time.

People just treat it so separately to drug and alcohol addiction. If there could be a societal change where actually people put those things all on the same level. Even things like in work, people talk about, oh, I love gambling. I’ve never spoken up there about the problems I’ve been through. I just think you wouldn’t get someone in work just talking in the same way about drinking is great. A little bit more public awareness would be great.

At first, I don’t think any of us knew because it was quite quiet, probably it was quite small. Over a few years, it got to the point where he was in debt because of it and things like that became more and more accessible, and then quite serious debt. Unbeknownst to me and my mum and dad, we didn’t speak to each other about it, but he would need to borrow bits of money off me, my mum, and dad.

I suppose it’s like a taboo, isn’t it? It’s a little bit like suicide and other aspects of things, but people make lots of judgments very quickly about certain things in life. I think gambling is one of those things and people make those judgments about it being weak people and a bit hopeless… I never felt ashamed of my brother, but I felt angry with him, and then I would feel guilty that I felt angry. It’s just horrible.

That’s why I’m so passionate about things like this because I think people just don’t know. My brother was an intelligent, popular, lovely, smart, funny person and [gambling] dug its claws in him. He was desperate and it made him more desperate.