Affected others often face the hard decision as to whether to remain in the relationship or to separate themselves for their own wellbeing. Either way, it is essential that they look after themselves and have support of their own. Their wider social network plays an important role.
Once gambling difficulties become known to the person, gambling and its associated harms often become a prominent issue within relationships. It causes affected others to doubt themselves and their relationships. Affected others express sadness, frustration, anger and helplessness. There can be feelings of increasing disconnection.
Some choose to stay in the relationship, even though they are concerned about the loss of financial security and other damage. Often, they make a distinction between the person they loved and how they are when gambling. They also learn that they must not let the gambling and the other person consume everything and must focus on themselves and get support.
Even those who stay with their partners often raise concern for the future of their relationship. Some acknowledge that it would be much less stressful to end the relationship. Some people’s circumstances can make it hard or impossible to end the relationships, such as being a child, or having children together or finances.
For others, the hurt and betrayal is too much and the relationship with the person ends. For some this includes realising that the person gambling may be unwilling to admit to a problem or not willing to change. For some it involves realising that they need to look after and protect themselves.
For the first few weeks when I was so unsure about what the hell it was going to mean for us there were definitely times when I was like, is this right for me, can I do it? A lot of it was doubting myself. I’m quite strong willed and determined, and if I set my mind to something I knew I wanted to be with him and if that meant that I had to be with him with this, then I would give it my all.
There were some disagreements then over contact with his two children with his ex because she was quite, I think she was hurt by everything because she’d been there before. I think his mum felt like he was better off at home, and maybe not with me. I didn’t understand why. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. And yeah, I think there was just a lot of tension, a lot of upset, a lot of anger from everyone, I guess. And just a lot of hurt. But I did choose to stay, and I have stayed and now we’re married.
When he is not gambling, he’s a good guy. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy when he is gambling, but he’s very selfish when he is gambling. It’s about his needs, what he wants if he’s struggling.
You haven’t got long to make that decision. Do I stay or do I go? You’ve pretty much got to make it there and then. On the 22nd of February, good grief, my world’s just fallen apart. Do I stay or do I go? Got to make a decision quickly. Then you’ve got to learn everything that there is to learn about gambling and gambling addiction, and you’ve got no time to do that either.
I think it’s just for me, knowing what I know now and have always seen it like this is that, although my dad had a problem with gambling, that’s not him. It is a part of him. I still see my dad as this guy I look up to, who helped raise me, and has supported me and loved me throughout my life and would always be there.
Some needed to protect themselves from the harm they were experiencing by distancing themselves from that person at least for a period, or for the long term.
I couldn’t have him back in the house because he was too up and down, his moods were too unstable. I couldn’t cope with him in the house. It was only a tiny house. Anything that went off, you couldn’t just stomp off to another room somewhere. There was nowhere to hide really if you needed to get away. I think anybody who’s been in that situation with a partner who either is mentally not well off … well, anybody that’s out of control, it is really difficult to be able to contain that within a home setting.
I’m not sure that Prozac helped him very much to be honest, but I suppose it did calm him down a bit. It did kind of calm down that mad craziness that was going on. He gave me some space, then I stayed in the house. He went and stayed with friends who very kindly kept him for a few months.
I am definitely not the person I was prior to meeting the gambler. I have lost my mojo as some say. I have become isolated. I continually question who I am, and experience a loss of identity, a lack of personality and confidence. I find myself being more apologetic.
As time elapsed and following a further course of counselling, I got the courage to end the toxic relationship and divorce proceedings instigated. I recognised the need of a financial and emotional break.
It all had an impact, to the point where I had to remove myself from it. Not because of lack love, or understanding or empathy or connection or anything else, but just purely because it’s not good for me.
Social networks
Some had a strong network around them and said without that they may have ended the relationship.
Others were told to leave the other person by family members and their social networks. But they worried that if they left then they would be abandoning the person. Some said that they felt guilty and judged whether they chose to stay or whether they chose to leave. For some, the reaction of their social group isolated them. A lack of understanding from other people can cause people to withdraw from being able to talk to others.
What I was thankful for with that support network was that none of them said get rid of him or keep away from him. I was glad about that really because I had gone somewhere where there were some people there who worked for women’s aid and stuff, and when they were talking about the situation, not my situation, but the situation, it was a case of, “Oh, people can’t change. People never changed their spots. You need to leave them. Or if you’re under threat.” I understand all of that because obviously, they had been in situations where there were people who didn’t and where women were being put in danger, and I get that. I’m not suggesting this to anybody, but I never felt I should get rid of him. I never felt that. Although some people had been saying that, but I never felt that. I just wanted him to get better, to be honest.
It’s a difficult one because how long can you put up with it, but at the same time, because I’ve known him for years before, I know he is not a bad person. Then I get withdrawn about being able to talk to people because I think they’re judging me because like some comments that people make of is, “Just leave him. I don’t know why you’re still with him.” It’s like but there’s a lot more to it. He’s got this addiction.