People describe their experiences of treatment and support services, both for themselves and the person who gambled. These include general practitioners (GPs), mental health, and emergency services, as well as the National Gambling Treatment Service. Some accessed counselling through their employer, and some parents paid for private counselling for their children.
People describe challenges in getting support for themselves and the person who gambled. Many are unsure where to find help and often turn to the internet for information. Some discover a lack of local support services. Others face high costs for private treatment. Some say the support was stopped too soon. They describe the need for a range of help, for mental health, but also with financial and practical issues. Some said that there was little support specifically for children affected by gambling.
Often, they prioritise getting help for the gambler before seeking support for themselves. Over time, many come to realise that they or their children also need help as they have experienced extensive harm.
Partners
Some partners did not seek support for themselves, instead focusing on getting help for the person who gambled. Often it was only later that partners realised the impact on them and the need for help for themselves. Others reported that help for themselves was hard to access or was about the needs of the person who gambled rather than addressing their own needs.
Many partners are trying to hold households together. This means it is crucial that support includes practical steps on how they can address the consequences of gambling, such as debt or managing finances.
Some highlighted the importance of accessing professional support independent of their partner, where the help was specifically tailored for them. Alternately, some were positive about going to relationship counselling where they felt their needs were heard and understood.
He got looked after by one set of people. I got looked after by another set of people, and it helped us both really because I think sometimes when you’re in a relationship or you’re married, whether you’re living with someone, people see you like a double act, don’t they?
We had marriage counselling about three years ago. I think it was. I got referred to Beacon counselling, which was aimed at the fact that I was an affected other because, and I’ve had counselling through work as well when it’s got a bit much because it’s not just the trust side of it. It’s all that responsibility you have with the funds and trying to make sure money’s okay and that he’s not gambling, and when he does gamble, it was always left to me to pick up the pieces.
Marriage counselling made him see my side. Me never being put first and things like that. Just to see it as me, that’d be my problem and he didn’t realize what he was doing. Gamblers Anonymous was probably the best thing he ever did was because he’s got people going through it, people that actually understand. A lot of counsellors aren’t equipped to deal with gambling, so it’s not really something that they’ll focus on, or understand… He’d go and he’d never really address that issue, never really explained to him where the addiction comes from, how it happens, how to deal with it sort of thing.
Some said that although they were offered many different types of support, but these were not provided for long enough.
Sometimes, for affected others, accessing support felt overwhelming, or they believed it wasn’t the right time to seek help, especially if they had only recently discovered the person’s gambling difficulties.
I went to his first GA meeting with him. Two guys stood outside afterwards for an hour in the freezing cold and pouring rain just telling me, “You’ve got protection measures in place, you’ve got to check his phones, you’ve got to control the money. You’ve got to deal with this stuff.” I was so overwhelmed.
We both sought some counselling I think through GamCare, we had that obviously separately. He really didn’t engage with it. He didn’t like it. He didn’t find it was beneficial for him. He found it quite frustrating. He took his Mum with him for a couple of sessions so that she could sort of see from his perspective, why he does things. I did complete the course. But again, I think for me, I think it was a case of maybe the right thing, but at the wrong time, because I was still very confused and not really sure what I needed to do… But we did it because we were both willing to try anything.
I tried joining one of those Gam-Anon meetings one night. Oh my God, it was awful. It was awful. I stayed for half an hour. It was an online one. I stayed for half an hour and just disconnected and said never again. I found out more harmful than anything else… They was just a bunch of angry women. It was also a 12 steps meeting, so it was all about their failings. I just sat there looking absolutely baffled, but couldn’t believe some of the things I was hearing.
Not all affected others seek formal support or treatment. Some feared being misunderstood or expected counsellors to advise ending their relationship. Others did not think they needed help or that it would be right for them. Many only realise the need for support themselves after the person had stopped gambling.
I guess I’ve scoffed at him, trying to encourage him to go to counselling and stuff and him not wanting to. When I sit and think about it by myself, I also have those kinds of thoughts of I know what the problem is. At that point in time, I felt like if I had gone to someone, they would have said, “I feel like you need to get out of this relationship.” I knew that, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it… What are they going to tell me that I don’t already know?
I haven’t sought any kind of therapy or peer support, because I actually don’t feel I need it. I think I’m probably in the minority, because I’m fortunate that I’ve lived with the addiction for so long. I’m secure and knowledgeable enough in myself to not have to go to peer support at the minute… Maybe I get my peer support from being able to help with these research projects. Maybe that’s my peer support in a way.
I read lots. I did phone GamCare once, I think, but I don’t know. The point I really need help is the point where I go really quiet, but that’s my personality rather than anyone else’s. The fault lies with me and no one else. Talking to [Friend] really and whinging at my nail technician once a fortnight. She’s lovely.
We attended Gamblers Anonymous, made the GP aware of his addiction. Immediate family were told basics as were some close friends. They were proud of him as I was. However I did not seek help myself as I thought I was fine. I was oblivious to my needs… I continued to give all I had to repair the damage the compulsive gambler had caused… In hindsight, I should have sought help at this critical time.
I haven’t done anything like that. I guess more generally I’ve never received counselling or therapy for anything. I guess this all just becomes such a part of your daily life in that creeping up way. As we sit and talk about it now, it feels like, whoa, actually, like that’s big. You’ve really been through something, but when you’re just living it every day, it’s just your life. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to speak to anyone.
The support for the person who gambled could have a big impact on affected others. Affected others often say that when the person tries to get help via their GP, from mental health, or emergency services, they do not receive the help they need. Some face challenges with access, duration and few support options. Where the person who gambled was helped by the support, this could also help affected others.
He went to the cognitive behavioural therapist, who was fantastic, and he was really good with me as well. He met with me a couple of times as well and he was great. He gave [husband] some really good coping strategies just around how he was, and he’s thought patterns, really, how he thought and what he thought. hat what was good, as well, and that really helps, that helped [husband] a lot and in turn helped me.
He knew that he was also a danger to himself. It just sort of couldn’t continue, he had to do something. He’s actually mentioned that he had a trip to the hospital. He mentioned that he’d hanged himself, and the male nurse didn’t actually offer any here’s who you can go and talk to. Or anything. After that, I was like, what can we find for him… it was a bit of pillar to post sort of thing.
He’d gone to GA. But other than that, he was visited by a counsellor in the hospital when he was admitted after the suicide attempt, and they basically said, why did you do it? And he said, because of this and they said, Right, OK, are you going to do it again? And he said, no. And that was it. It was never followed up. I think he got some antidepressants from the doctor and like I say, he just went to GA. And he also at that point, he entered into a debt relief order for the debt because there was quite a lot at that point. So, he’d kind of dealt with it. The debt part of it was dealt with. His Mum took control of his money. He moved back in with her. But then after a few months, he just got all his money back and then just went back to his old life essentially.
I’d given him loads of leaflets for GamCare, everybody, so many over the years. Got so much stuff in place and he wouldn’t admit he had a problem with gambling, and he would never, ever admit he had a mental health problem. I used to make him so angry and he just used to say it was me, I was mental. That’s all he used to say. To think he could have got help.
In Northern Ireland when we were really trying to find support, I felt like there were things in England or in mainland UK anyway that we just didn’t have here. In terms of actual physical centres, I think was the– is it like Gordon Moody, looking for things like that. I know, is it in Manchester, you have a big new shiny support centre? If there was something like that here, that really would’ve changed our lives.
Some felt their partners sought support merely to appease them, without benefiting from it.
He was in denial and said “it was all in the past” and told me that it was my problem. I doubt he gained much from attending GA meetings – again saying he only attended them to pacify me. He said he didn’t need to go as he wasn’t as addicted or lost what others had in the group, another instance of his excuses and denial.
Parents and siblings
Parents often take on the role of getting support for their child who is gambling. For some, the treatment their child received was not suitable, leading them to seek private treatment, which can be very expensive.
We had arranged for him, to go to the National Addiction Clinic during that period, which as he would say himself, he wasn’t ready for it. So, whilst he’d gone there, he really wasn’t getting any value from it. We had paid for him to go and see someone who potentially could discuss trying to change behaviours. And again, we’d had some hope… But the reality was that he was struggling with it day-to-day but managing day-to-day during that.
It was her that, as I said, organised him to go to GA rooms, and I’m so grateful for my wife for doing that… she organized for him to go privately to get that done only recently. She’s been a key person in initiating, I would say, possibly the three key steps in what was needed to help [son].
We got him to a therapist, who one of her things was she specialized in addiction. Again, absolute waste of time and money, because what she did, she got [son] to do a spreadsheet, so, “What I want you to do, [son], after this session for a week, I want you to keep a spreadsheet, and on that spreadsheet, track your money gambled. What comes in, what you gamble out, your wins, your losses and then bring me that spreadsheet back.” What [son] did, he just did a spreadsheet full of utter nonsense, gave it back to her, and she said, “Oh, well-done. You haven’t bet much this week, have you?”
Instead of seeking formal treatment or support, one sibling mentioned relying on peer support and extensive reading.
Not for myself. I did consider it at times. It’s complicated. During the time I didn’t, I just used that peer support and that was to that Ok in terms of that at the time and part of the support. After he died, again, my friend was really great in terms of he was really practical, because you can imagine the level of bills and the level of people who are contacting. I read a lot around general stuff. I already had a lot of experience around that suicide loss kind of thing… I haven’t needed to look for anything specific, but equally, I can see how I could have ended up needing to do that.
They also observed that their brother was deterred by the stigma associated with gambling from seeking support through the NHS. They said finding help was challenging.
He wouldn’t go to anything through a GP or anything like that. Actually, there’s very little out there otherwise. Even through GPs, I don’t think there’s much, but it’s actually quite– I remember looking and thinking, well, what could I find for him. Actually, there’s not much out there, is there, that’s specific for that?
Children
People whose parents who gambled and received counselling for related issues said that the counselling services did not pick up on or directly address gambling harm.
I have been to counselling once which was unrelated to gambling. Well, obviously it was related but gambling just never came up. Perhaps it wasn’t the best of experiences. It felt like obviously, if I didn’t mention gambling, then I think they kind of didn’t understand a lot of it because the big context in my whole life has been gambling.
Parents described the challenges in obtaining help and support for children affected by another’s gambling, facing lack of availability, suitable options or long waiting lists.
[Son] he had to wait quite a long time for his counselling. We never really have had any issues. We were quite good at chatting, quite open, but there was, I knew he had stuff. I knew that stuff wasn’t my right to poke at. So he has been having, I think he’s gone [to counselling] about five or six weeks now… He seems to have, although he’s come back quite upset and quite angry on a couple of occasions, he seems to have worked through some stuff that I feel it has been of benefit to him.